Friday, April 27, 2012
At least, it would be supposed to be bittersweet but the truth of it is, I feel entirely unaffected right now. I just found out I am not quite about to be an uncle again, you see. There is to be a birth in the family, which I shall almost certainly never see. In the fiction account, this would be a poignant moment full of introspection, ponderings of the great balance between one life in, one life out, and even better - the babe is due the day before my next birthday. And if you were writing it you'd choose the day before or after too, not the day itself - just a tad too cheesy; so this does feel like it should conform to the rules and I should grieve even if only a little wistfully at the loss of my future with an extra niece or nephew in it. But no, it's not like that at all.
Or you could write it not so much as a wistful moment but as a tale of some sense of enlightenment, you can imagine such a setting and event might trigger a whole revealing cascade of sacred visions about the eternal nature of life, the impermanence of all things and so on. But it's not like that either.
I'm really happy for the pregnancy, it is a joyous and much-desired thing for everybody, and I love imagining the happiness of everyone with a new arrival, the whole family shenanigans. And that's sort of all I've got. Huh. No reaction but pleased. Which is fine.
On the other hand, there is this tiny conundrum, just a little mental round stuck in my head the last half day: That the lighter I become, the heavier I feel. Of course it makes perfect sense as for me lighter must equal weaker now, but it's not all like that on the inside. At the same time as my body and in some ways my mind grow heavier, denser, more gravitational, there is an equal and opposite lightening and expansion in me. It too is in my mind and thinking, and I can sense it in an 'energetic' way also. I am painfully aware that I cannot describe this, and it's not like no-one's tried all the words for this stuff before and still we have no way ...
It's the direction, that's the thing. Heavier is down, or more accurately in, where lighter is up and out. This is going both ways. I am stretched even as I gather density at my core, like a badly-shaped micro black hole. In many ways, it's oddly enjoyable, that is when it's anything at all.