Wednesday, April 7, 2010

Daredevil stunt (-ed)

", it's Death Defying"
   -Death Defying, Hoodoo Gurus.

Have you ever eaten a pet?  Me either.  I mean, something's not a pet yet if you've only had it a few days, right?  And it sort of depends on the kind of pet we're talking about too.  A pet rock isn't probably all that edible to start with, but you know, people have pet sheep, and cows, otherwise often referred to as 'livestock' or in agribusiness as 'ovine/bovine production units' respectively so that would be a bit different from eating your old budgie, wouldn't it.

My mum told me a story about when she was in Singapore, fresh off the ship en route to 'the Old Country' (England) as a 21 year old, as people did as a right of passage in those days.  She was with some variety of host family - probably relatives or friends thereof; it's not important - and was sent to the market to buy a crab for dinner.  Well, they're alive, aren't they?  They have huge nasty nippers and have these restrained by a length of stout string.  Mum walked the crab home, as if on a leash.  It wasn't a pet.  They ate it.

I made a blend up just then, here's what went in (standard dodgy memory disclaimer inserted):

handful almonds
half handful pine nuts
red quinoa, uncooked, maybe 3Tbspns
2 very cute little organic sweet potatoes, minus dirt
2 similarly gorgeous yellow nectarines
a banana
medium Lebanese cucumber (locally grown, they're just called Lebanese)
5cm turmeric root
couple big cloves of garlic
large green capsicum (bell pepper)
1 Tbspn flaxseed oil
e.v. olive oil, probably 3 or 4 Tbspns
big pinch wakame seaweed
large dash cardamom
oat milk
1 rabbit, peeled, went by the name of Hamish.

Oh, darn, I just forgot I had some great fresh dates I didn't put in.  Never mind, next time.

Turned out a lovely dark chestnut beige.  There are pictures below.

The finished product; here lies Hamish the Daredevil Rabbit.  
A tad rich maybe, I'm having just a bit of indigestion right now.

Hamish was a stunt daredevil rabbit.  He joined our house at Easter time, brought here by his uncle The Evil Easter Bunny as a sacrificial offering.  Hamish's half-sister, Drusilla, is here too, and seemed entirely unmoved by Hamish's bold (and failed) feat today.

I do not know who this little girl is.  I hope she is safe and OK now.

Hamish had heard all sorts of tales in his life, and told stories (which I admit were hard to believe at times) of his exploits.  His unrequited wish to date was to go over Niagara Falls in a barrel, as daredevils of old used to do.

"What a man can do, will not stop a determined rabbit" intoned Hamish haughtily.

Until, that is, he discovered the Whirling Vortex Blades Of Death.  All thoughts of a measly repeat attempt at surviving the Falls penned up in a tin can evaporated when Hamish considered the glory of attempting - live or die - an unprotected bout with The Spinning Deadly Beast.  That's right, readers, foolhardy Hamish wanted to take on the awesome power of the the VitaMix - a blender that is to ordinary appliances what Niagara is to your average toilet flush.  Just like Evel Knievel's ill-conceived rocket flight attempt across the Grand Canyon, there was no talking him out of it.  Here's how it all went down.

I laugh at your puny pointy bits, jughead machine.

As you can see, Hamish is no ordinary rabbit.  He is a purebred dark chocolate Lindt bunny and even in this shot you can see the pugnacious and garrulous personality that would ultimately lead to his delicious demise.  His half-sister Drusilla is a milkier variant on the breed.

 Calmly observing the preparations for his stunt.

The plan is for Hamish to maintain floatation atop the madly spinning mixture of foodstuffs, to avoid being sucked down to a grinding, pulverising death at the ends of a set of 28,000 rpm razor-sharp blades.  About now is where I'm really starting to think "Idiot."

Hamish nudes up for the plunge, insisting on complete freedom of movement for his Houdiniesque attempt at bucking (pun!) the odds.

I told him the stories, I made him read the previous post about the VitaMix, and he didn't so much as flinch.  Once he'd set his mind on it, there was no dissuading him.

Last chance, Hamish.  No?  Alright then.  
Oat milk bath and then the countdown.

To his credit, he lasted whole for nearly 3 seconds, spinning about 5 or 10 times right in the last instant before being shot to the bottom of the All-Destroying Vortex and momentarily slowing the blades just the merest fraction as they smashed him into his constituent molecules, distributing his tasty goodness perfectly evenly throughout the resulting pearlescent, aromatic brew.  One of my better ones, actually.

Thanks Hamish, my indigestion has passed (I probably just had too much) and I feel closer to you now than ever before.  I like to think (anthropomorphically at least) that I have saved him from a terrible life of limbo.  Imagine just waiting to be eaten, piece by piece - imagine getting one of those nibbler/hoarder types that drags the torture out for days and days, I've done him a kindness. Vale, Daredevil Rabbit.

Does this mean my blender is no longer a vegetarian?



  1. Hahaha!! I was worried at first! I couldn't believe you would actually talk about blending up a pet rabbit! I needed the laugh today! Thank you! :) Glad you enjoyed Hamish...poor guy.