Thursday, March 24, 2011

TFTD - What's going on with me?

OK, well, long time, again, no?

So I thought it was about time to let y'all know what it is that's really been going on behind the scenes (as it were) with this little ol' being of mine.  Because it's true, I've been keeping something back.

Now it's nothing bad, it's nothing major really, but a few have been poking about and I have let a few things slip too, so in the interests of full disclosure I'm going to out myself here.

I'm writing two books.  Well, technically a book and a half.  But I can't tell you much more than that I'm afraid, especially about the half-a-book.  Why?  Because, as the 'half' bit implies, I'm co-authoring this with someone else, and we have a sort of commercial-in-confidence thing going on, is all.  BUT, if all goes to plan (yeah, like that happens a lot in life :-) then you'll hear about it in the latter part of this year sometime.  And the synergy is good, the timing is right, the outcome will very likely be.....rather better than ordinary.

The process of starting that project has sort of got me inspired a bit more writing-wise, as it's true that historically I have always been a bit more of an interpreter and disseminator of information than a raw creator and this has given me an 'outside' influence vis-a-vis subject matter.  I was always better at school when asked to write an essay on a certain subject than submit a few hundred words of 'creative writing'.  Although the latter sometimes worked out pretty OK too.  So what happened next sort of took me by surprise.

I started having little flashes of what all these thoughts as expressed here in this blog, and lately in short form on Facebook (etc) are all circling around - the central theme, or conundrum, or quandary perhaps, that I find myself returning to over and over.  And I realised that it wasn't the migration over to FB and short-form expressive release that was dampening my blogging impetus so much, as a combination of two things - simple demotivation from not really feeling connected or 'right' in my longer expression, and secondly - that what is 'right' does not fit the blogging format.  It's large, it needs to be presented whole and not eked out as it dribbles and drains from the pores of my mind - it's a book in gestation.

Yes, demotivation.  In truth, and it's related in a weird way to the subject matter of said pending tome, there was another wee niggle keeping me from seeing or accepting the challenge laying before me.  Back over a year ago, I forget exactly when, my journey was passing through a dark and fairly helpless phase and I sought out some 'professional' assistance with matters of the head.  I can't remember her exact qualificatory title, but I think she was a clinical psychologist.  Anyway, she was a great find, specializing mainly in cancer patients, the terminally ill, and the family and friends thereof.  One of those sorts who never gives or offers advice, just facilitates your talking and occasionally rephrases what you've said to check for understanding and hold up a mirror for you.

One of the things she said to me by way of summation as I discussed my issues with demotivating feelings of depression and "not knowing how to proceed with life" was this: She asked me if what I was saying was that "I was afraid to start anything new because I was afraid I might not be able to finish it."  Well, er, yes, actually, that's hitting my head on the nail right there.  And it seems I've been past that for quite some time now really, but hadn't seen this thing taking it's shape until very recently.

I wonder if we'll see it finished?

The very astute among you may have already noticed I have told you absolutely nothing about the book itself. Well spotted, you.  And I'm not going to be leaking much either, so please not to be holding your breath OK?  What I can tell you right now is as follows:

To the extent that anything we experience in life and especially anything we attempt to communicate in words can be said to exist in an objective view, then this will be  a work of non-fiction.  To the extent that everything we ever see or think or say is the product of our very highly programmed, narrowly tuned and selective consciousnesses, it will be a work of fiction.  There's a little clue.

I suppose it's sort of a philosophy thing, a socio-historical thing, a human evolutionary thing.....the expression of where my life's learnings and questionings finds me at this point it time.  I can tell you it will be extremely un-PC and controversial in some of the views I espouse and hopefully rather confronting in the way it raises questions. (See how I'm dissociating it already as an 'it'?  It's ALIVE!!bwahahahahaha...).  I have a working title, but sorry, it's just too cute to share, and I don't want to spoil the fun - in case I end up not using it.

So.  These two projects are of equal importance to me, and as well I have my allegiance to co-administrating the site and also my other blogsite for the use and benefit of my fellow tubies and their lovers and carers.  Should keep me out of mischief for a bit then.

As a side-benefit, it might happen that the process of writing each day (I'm told that's what 'writers do') might prove to be self-generative of spin-off creativity that wants outing and doesn't fit either project so might end up here as the occasional TFTD - Thought For The Day.

Well, here I go!  Thanks.  Now you know.

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