I've mused on why I'm writing this blog, and I'm moved to mention one of the glaring obviousnesses that is probably a factor. Posterity. In my last post I spoke about fear and control in relation to death and dying, and of course part of coping with imminent death can be doing stuff 'for posterity.' Just today I saw in a book about death - you know, one of those little square-format books with emotive pictures, quotes, facts and suggestions on the subject - a suggestion to make a website as part of your dying process, and to leave behind some stuff for those who remain when you're gone. I was actually surprised to see myself surprised, as I really hadn't consciously had that as a motivation.
Certainly made me question myself again though.
I should mention at this point that the issue of death and dying is very much in my face right now because I have a degenerative and progressive illness that more likely than not means I will die sometime in the next few years, or tomorrow, or whenever. Disingenuous of me not to say that I suppose. I do find it rather 'concentrates the mind' as someone once said of an imminent death by hanging.
So am I doing it for some sense of posterity? I do not know. Would you? By most conventional material western democratic capitalist standards I have in essence achieved nothing at all in my 40 years to date. I have been bankrupt, I have no children, and I only own my own home by the happy and ironic accident of an insurance payout from having to cease work permanently due to my illness. So I can see how a pull to leave some sort of legacy would be strong.
I'll get back to you on this one, because I'm really not sure. And one of the very few rules I have for life these days is honesty with myself, and by extension, with you, dear reader.
Tomorrow I plan to write again on the subject of opinions, and cleaning. Because you're possibly wondering what the hell I mean up above about 'some light cleaning' etc. Until then, then.