If you've read the previous couple of posts you'll probably appreciate that my intellect and opinion glands are pretty squeezed dry right now. I've mentioned the concept of opinion tantra before, I'm sure.
My apologies for the stridency and bluntness recently, but I did say way back when that my only rule here was honesty, and this is an honest reflection of the state I have been traversing this last few weeks or more. My journey has been just a wee tad arduous.
There are a whole suite of external influences that have shaped my path just lately, and I shan't really go into them here. Suffice to say that I have chosen (consciously and otherwise) to experience a few rounds of relative powerlessness in ways that push my old habit's frustration buttons. I will admit I didn't do very well with it at times.
I am starting to see and find some words to point towards the silvery lining stuff though, the positive part of what it's all about. The flavour, if you will.
I've had a glimpse of something, as alluded to in the last couple of posts along the lines of individual liberty versus utilitarianism (doing stuff for the greater good), but in a very spiritual sense.
I look forward to the moment I can really find the words to share it here. It's actually rather major for me; I feel like it's shaping as a bigger single-point shift since the tube went it - actually, since the shift before, which was 6 months before that. So it's all good.
But the pain, physically and otherwise, and the work and frustration that I have subjected myself to in order that my dumb machine of a mind can have some chance of keeping up, learning in its low-res way and recreating for the use of humanity generally in some sort of legible format - well, I'm glad it's nearing the end of the cycle.
Tomorrow I have a Bowen appointment, and it's been maybe 5 or 6 weeks since the last. I suspect it may be wonderful, but i shan't project too much expectation upon myself.
Even cleaning, and meditation became work.
My ego would just like to announce to you more clearly at this point how totally awesome I am. FIGJAM. (Fuck I'm Good, Just Ask Me.) Thanks. Satisfied now.
Boring old work-ethic long-suffering pain-resistant self-worth programming aside, it's good to feel some lightness return. Thanks for your help and for whatever cleaning you have done, in whatever way you do.
Sometimes, when you're not incessantly cleaning your mind back to zero, you find you really just have to let something run its course - you have to "go there" or "own it" as they say in New Age circles. It's where I'm coming from with the suggestions to get honest about war and not censor the internet. Let things run their course, own the ills we create so we can apologise to ourselves, do forgiveness, thanks, and love.
Maybe it'll be a poem. Really short.
I'd like it if that happened.
Tree of Life (detail from full pic, top)