Wednesday, March 3, 2010

Vox nihilum: a Lament without sound.

I really miss talking.  Technically I can still actually talk, a bit, but conversation is now a very limited prospect.  I think this is one of the reasons for this blog.  Some of the things I opine on and otherwise ramble about here are the sort of subjects I once used to talk about with Meeta, or a friend (or friendly stranger) at a cafe, but no more.  I can still make myself understood well enough at a shop, but it takes work and forbearance by both parties.  I can still have a bit of a chat with Meeta in the mornings, when my talking equipment is still relaxed from a night of lying down and only breathing, but as the day wears on it gets harder and harder.  I know she is missing it too.  One day, it will most likely come to pass, as it did with oral intake of food and drink, that I shall have to admit a complete cessation of speech.  Today I have a deep dread of this, right alongside its more positive counterpart, quiet (ha!) acceptance.  Such a limbo leaves me saddened.

I am blessed to have some great emotional support here and there in my life.  Now that I have learned to let it in, that is.  A dear friend who knows well enough my situation wrote to me once

"You must be a very special person to be made to sit still and be quiet." 

This touched me deeply, and not in an egotistic way.  It did jolt me into the realisation that like all my other little challenges this too is a gift of opportunity.  You've probably noticed by now that I am a bit wordy.  Well, I used to be wordier still, a veritable fountain of verbiage.  Now, I am finding my expression tending more towards succinctity (is that even a word?), and maybe a little silence is creeping in between the lines.

This is a good thing, as is the enforced increase in contemplative time.

There's more on all of this, but I shan't go into it right now.  I feel it's better understood subtly as it crops up through my other writings.  It's a bit like what I was saying in an earlier post that it might be easier to deal with a sudden loss than such a creeping one.  How would I know?  The grass so often seems greener when you're in a downish mood.  But I did feel strongly that I just wanted to share - that I am really starting to miss talking. 

So here's a bit more flower, to make peace and happy.